kindness

Beaneath The Skin


” For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13

Today, my vision got a little clearer, and I had a lot put into perspective. For years, my husband has been telling me the damaging effects of being in the beauty industry. Yes, he supports me in all that I do, but never encouraged being put in a position of being constantly compared or told that you weren’t quite good enough. I ignored it initially, after all, I was just having fun with it? I never took it seriously enough to let those things get to me.. until it started happening.

We were never made to live this way.. in constant comparison to each other, but unfortunately, that is what social media and media in general has done to us! Even if we don’t admit that we fall into this category, subconsciously, we think it, and we feel it to a degree. Growing up, especially in middle school, I was constantly picked on for my appearance. The classic “ginger” jokes if you will. I carried some of that pain with me all through high school and it was damaging to my relationships and all in all was slowly destroying my opinion of myself. That should NEVER happen.

God never created us to be so self centered. Who are we to think we deserve certain titles or positions? I was humbled by this realization today. I always had my husbands wise words in the back of my mind, questioning if modeling was right for me, but kept pushing forward , for what? What fulfillment other than self-centeredness, and ego, could modeling possibly give to me? But it isn’t and shouldn’t be about ” me, me ,me “. That’s the problem. Recently, I have been given opportunities that I thought were going to be somewhat of a “stepping stone”, but God decided to intervene. He said, no. Initially, my ego took it very hard, and I made a few phone calls to vent.  I didn’t want to believe that after all my efforts that it wasn’t going to work out for me. At least, not the way I intended.

Then, amazingly, something happened, and I had this strong urge and motivation to share. I decided that I am fed up with being judged, compared and told , “yeah , you’re good, but THIS girl.” No, you don’t get to sum up my worth, and try to discourage me. I am feeling more at peace with acceptance of the fact that I am free of that judgment and nobodies opinion of me is even held to any sort of importance. I am who I am, and I was created for a purpose, not for self, but for others. All this time, instead of taking it personally, I should’ve been thanking God. We pray all the time for God to lead and direct us, and here I have been pouting and getting mad it wasn’t working out for me. Well, maybe that’s because God doesn’t want me to self serve, but to serve others.

No, I don’t know where to begin, but I know that I am going to continue to let The Spirit speak, and direct me , and I intend on fully listening and obeying this time. Thank you God for this realization.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14